at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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