The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
