i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
