Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
