You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
