Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
