ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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