I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
