Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
