Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
