Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
