I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
