he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
