I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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