Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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