DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
