I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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