I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
