I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
