sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
