Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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