i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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