I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
