I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
