He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
