i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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