You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
