i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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