So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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