you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
