Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
