dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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