Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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