my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
