Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
