Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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