if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
