She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
