I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
