My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Randomize
