Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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