Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't think brook has ever known best
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
