Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
