Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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