1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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