i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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