I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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