He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
