I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i drank out of a bidet.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
