dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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