Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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