God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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