hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
