there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
