you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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