Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Rumble strips road head = magical
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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