"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
